9 gifts you can give to Dongkoy
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September 6, 2004
"Be kind to animals."--Anonymous
HERE are nine things you may want to consider giving to the man as a Holloween present next month. Dont forget to gift-wrap.
1) Micro tape recorder. The cheapest one I know is available at Gaisano for some P1,500 only. He needs this so he can keep track of his pronouncements because he easily forgets.
Take Zaldy Ocon’s P100-million loan issue for instance. In July, the mayor said there was no loan from DBP and he would resign if Ocon proved that he borrowed money. Then he said it was Ambing Magtajas's loan. And when the local registrar said there was a P100-million loan based on documents, he suddenly remembered that he borrowed money after all. But he quickly added that the other half was that of Ambing's (How can that be when the 27 city hall lots were mortgaged for P100 million in 1999, a year after Ambing ceased to be the city's mayor?). Lo and behold, now we hear reports about Dongkoy's most recent claim that 21 of the 27 lots were mortgaged by Ambing!
How many versions of Dongkoy's story since July? Count.
2) Mentol cigarettes (preferably Salem). Goodness gracious! What have you been smoking these days, Dongkoy?
3) Calculator. So he and his jockstraps in the city council would know that 630,000 multiplied by 160 is 100,800,000 and not 50,000,000. The peso sign seems to make them forget that there's an animal called mathematics.
4) Teething ring. His mouth is known for its inability to shut when it should. A teething ring may appease it. Just make sure it fits.
5) Prosthetic foot. When Erap was still president, he said "pagamatyan 'ko si Ouano"--meaning, he would unconditionally stand by his then embattled acting city police chief Cesar Ouano through thick and thin.
Mere words.
The only thing buried six feet under the ground today is Ouano's police career.
He has long been putting his foot in his mouth I'm afraid he'd simultaneously swallow his feet soon.
If the teething ring doesn't work, a prosthetic foot might just do the job. Just tell him not to swallow.
6) A set of needles and threads. Remember those Sperry topsiders? One of the secrets for the Sperry's durability was the kind of thread used. A thread like that can stop any man from lying through the skin of his teeth. So if the teething ring and prosthetic foot don't work, stitch it!
7) Two golf balls. Where did his balls go?
Imagine ordering your cop chief to parade a group of mostly minors on mere suspicion that they committed petty crimes and defending the Scarlet-Letter campaign on air, only to do a Pontius Pilate before the Commission on Human Rights (CHR) later.
His defense was simple: I didn't order the shame parade.
Case dismissed. His case. Not the cop chief's.
I pity the acting police chief--the mayor's failure to take full responsibility for the shame parade makes the city's top cop look like the mastermind.
8) Slick Willy dildo. Just don't forget to etch this message: "Don't do to taxpayers what you don't want others to do to you. But if you can't really help it, do it only to yourself."
Dongkoy can also use this dong-toy as a teething ring.
Talk has it you can buy this in a store somewhere along Pabayo Street.
9) Lubricant (honey-flavored). If you can't find one, Marca Leon or Minola cooking oil or used engine oil would do.
Pastilan.
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